Caden is growing so much everyday! Two weeks ago (Feb. 4th) he started going from flat on his stomach to sitting up as well as from being on his hands and knees to sitting up. He also learned how to pull himself up on his crib! He has been doing a lot more pre-crawling, he loves going from sitting to on his hands and knees, sometimes all the way to his stomach depending on what he's trying to reach to sitting up. He still is moving backwards and he scoots around on his bottom. It's so cute to watch him. It seems like any day he'll realize he can crawl forward, of course then we'll be in trouble. Haha. As we'll have to keep an even closer eye on him. Collin has now installed baby gates on two of our staircases. On the first floor where our living room, dinning room, and kitchen are, and on our top floor where our office and a HUGE loft is. We have another baby gate coming to us in the mail for our second floor where our bedrooms are. One of my biggest fears is Caden falling down the stairs!
As Caden continues to grow and learn I'm discovering more about myself as well. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, also the 16th anniversary of my mother's death. It is always a sad day for me and now that I have a child of my own there are days when I miss my own mother even more. However, this year I decided to try and be more cheerful and rather than mope around and try and avoid the whole day like I do most of the time, I decided to make a Valentine's Day card to Collin from Caden and I bought him one from me. I also bought Collin a watch. I NEVER buy gifts on this day except for maybe a card.
This year I thought I'd be different and try and let my mother's spirit live through me. Why should I weep? She's in Heaven. What greater joy than for her to be with God? There is none. Her days on earth have ended. She no longer makes history on this earth, but I do. She would not want me to stop living because she isn't here living with me. She'll always live in my heart but that doesn't mean I should deny myself joy and happiness. I talked with Collin a lot about this last night. For many years I have closed people out. I've been scared of making close friends and have not been honest and completely true with the ones I have. I love Collin's boldness and bravery in how he is able to be real with people even if it puts him in a bad light and shows he's not 100% strong in an area. I on the other hand tend to avoid the whole situation and not welcome the closeness and bonds of friendship by not being open. I think part of this has to do with losing my mom when I was 11. I was not taught how to be open and became scared of losing friends so I purposely limited the depth of friendships. It is such a shame that I have been living like this.
Friendships are some of God's greatest gifts! One of my friends in middle school asked me how I could really be loved if I didn't let people in. She was right. I can't. So not only is Caden going through new beginnings so am I. I am going to try to be more open, honest, and vulnerable. I'm going to try not to worry about what people think of me. This is really hard. I have always wanted to be liked but it comes with a price. If someone doesn't like me for me then I am going to be okay with that. I want to teach Caden the value of friendships and relationships. I want him to know it's okay to be real with people and open and honest. Life is short and I believe we will have a much better life having a few really close friends than a lot of acquaintances.
I wanted to share my thoughts with the few people who read my blog and ask you to be in prayer for me during this time. I appreciate you and value you. I normally avoid writing really personal thoughts publicly but felt the need to share this here. I feel like I have been trapped for 16 years not able to fully express myself and I want to be free from that. I want to enjoy life and live life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a really good life but I want to let people in and be more open and honest. May you all have a wonderful and beautiful day. Thank you for taking the time to read this really long post.
As Caden continues to grow and learn I'm discovering more about myself as well. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, also the 16th anniversary of my mother's death. It is always a sad day for me and now that I have a child of my own there are days when I miss my own mother even more. However, this year I decided to try and be more cheerful and rather than mope around and try and avoid the whole day like I do most of the time, I decided to make a Valentine's Day card to Collin from Caden and I bought him one from me. I also bought Collin a watch. I NEVER buy gifts on this day except for maybe a card.
This year I thought I'd be different and try and let my mother's spirit live through me. Why should I weep? She's in Heaven. What greater joy than for her to be with God? There is none. Her days on earth have ended. She no longer makes history on this earth, but I do. She would not want me to stop living because she isn't here living with me. She'll always live in my heart but that doesn't mean I should deny myself joy and happiness. I talked with Collin a lot about this last night. For many years I have closed people out. I've been scared of making close friends and have not been honest and completely true with the ones I have. I love Collin's boldness and bravery in how he is able to be real with people even if it puts him in a bad light and shows he's not 100% strong in an area. I on the other hand tend to avoid the whole situation and not welcome the closeness and bonds of friendship by not being open. I think part of this has to do with losing my mom when I was 11. I was not taught how to be open and became scared of losing friends so I purposely limited the depth of friendships. It is such a shame that I have been living like this.
Friendships are some of God's greatest gifts! One of my friends in middle school asked me how I could really be loved if I didn't let people in. She was right. I can't. So not only is Caden going through new beginnings so am I. I am going to try to be more open, honest, and vulnerable. I'm going to try not to worry about what people think of me. This is really hard. I have always wanted to be liked but it comes with a price. If someone doesn't like me for me then I am going to be okay with that. I want to teach Caden the value of friendships and relationships. I want him to know it's okay to be real with people and open and honest. Life is short and I believe we will have a much better life having a few really close friends than a lot of acquaintances.
I wanted to share my thoughts with the few people who read my blog and ask you to be in prayer for me during this time. I appreciate you and value you. I normally avoid writing really personal thoughts publicly but felt the need to share this here. I feel like I have been trapped for 16 years not able to fully express myself and I want to be free from that. I want to enjoy life and live life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a really good life but I want to let people in and be more open and honest. May you all have a wonderful and beautiful day. Thank you for taking the time to read this really long post.
5 comments:
Marissa,
I don't know you (I read your blog because I went to A&M with Collin) but your post really moved me, and I wanted to let you know that. How amazing to share your feelings in such a public way when you haven't been able to share those feelings much at all previously. You have already started on that new beginng big time! You will be in my prayers as you work to transform your life and friendships.
It's always so awesome to see God at work. I know he's used my children to teach me things about myself and to open my eyes. We are praying for you as you embark on your journey. We love to keep in touch with you guys by reading your blog and look forward to trying to get together next time you are state side.
Awesome...thank you. I can not wait to meet you someday.
Beautiful post Marisa. I cannot imagine how it must feel to loose your mom and how much pain it must give you to become a mom and not have her there to share that with you. i am so proud of you for opening up and talking about this tough topic. You are such an amazing woman and I know your mom is so proud of you!
Thanks so much for all your kind words of encouragement and prayers. I really appreciate it! I hope to meet Christy and Jenn one day and look forward to seeing Susan and Jocelyn next time we're in town.
Post a Comment