Follow-up doctor's visit

I'm sharing this with you in hopes that I can help or encourage someone who may experience something similar to mine. This is also helping me with the grieving process. There are typically two types of personalities, those who really grieve a miscarriage and those who don't. I am one of those who is having a difficult time and writing is the best therapy for me. As a caution, if you don't want to read about my miscarriage, please stop here.

Today I went to the follow-up doctor's visit with my original doctor. He of course saw some tissue and wanted to do a D&C. We asked him what the pros and cons would be. He said I would stop bleeding and in 10-12 days could try again - apparently you spot for 10-12 days after having a D&C. I asked if I didn't stop bleeding how long would I bleed for. He said he didn't know. My other doctor (2nd opinion doctor) said last Tuesday that usually early miscarriages result in bleeding a little longer than a regular period. She said maybe a few days longer but not much more than that. Also she didn't think I needed a D&C.

The doctor asked how things were going and I told him I went ahead and got the RhoGAM shot because of the risks of not getting one. I'm RH-negative. He acted offended because I got it. This made me mad. For one, the midwife at the hospital Sunday wanted to give it to me then - she sees lots and lots of pregnant women and women who miscarry. And my old doctor said the positives far outweigh the negatives and didn't see why I would not get it. We asked him why he thought I didn't need one. I don't think he understood my question because he said the embryo has to implant. When I asked him when this happened, he said he didn't know, it just depends. This seemed very odd since we saw the embryo a week ago - a white line in the sonogram. Did he forget? What he lying then? Also, I researched it online and the embryo implants at conception. I was 6 weeks pregnant and conception by a doctor's definition happened 4 weeks ago. Since I am RH-negative, I have read quite a bit about this. When I first started bleeding last Saturday I knew I needed to at least get to the hospital for the RhoGAM shot. You are supposed to get it within 72 hours of bleeding, a miscarriage, or giving birth (if your child is RH-positive and if you are RH-negative). My old doctor was very good during my last pregnancy and since I didn't have any bleeding I got it at around 28 weeks and after I gave birth. My son is RH-positive so that was a good thing I got it! Most people are RH-positive, thankfully.

Going back to my appointment. One thing I didn't like was this doctor seemed uncomfortable when we asked him questions. That I do not like. If I have a question about my health, I'd like an answer. If they don't know, that's okay. I honestly don't have a lot of questions. But before I undergo anesthesia and have my insides scraped out, I want to know if it's truly necessary. Two other OBGYNs have told me that a D&C is not necessary this early on, one German and one American. Every time I have been under anesthesia, I get very nauseous and throw-up. It also takes me a while to feel like myself again. This was one huge reason I did not want an epidural when I gave birth to my son - if something had gone wrong, then of course I'd get one and I don't look down on anyone who has one. For me personally, I work better when I'm aware of the pain. Strong medicines have a strong affect on me. Sadly, I usually wait too long to take something. For example, when I get a headache it usually turns into a migraine because I wait too long to do something about it. So my method is not always the best.

I ended up NOT getting the D&C. My husband and I talked about it a few minutes in private and decided not to. We'll be in the States soon so I can have a follow-up visit there. If there was an infection or I was further along, I would probably get one. I'm not against them if someone has a miscarriage, I am just against having a surgery that I don't feel is necessary and for me personally, I didn't think in my case this was necessary.

It wasn't but a few hours later that I had a little more heavy bleeding and then all of the sudden it pretty much stopped. I have had very light spotting this afternoon/evening - which is exactly what my other doctor said would happen. I'll find out in a few days if it stops. My other doctor wants me to come get my hGC levels tested next week. She called me yesterday with Tuesday's lab results and said they were still kind of high. I may take a pregnancy test first, if it comes back negative, which it should, then I think I'll wait until the States for any further testing. Pregnancy tests are much cheaper than lab tests.

This past week has been one of the most stressful and saddest weeks of my life. I'm a pretty optimistic person and don't ever expect the worse to happen. I truly hope I don't lose that. I like being excited about birth and life, even if it means a very hard fall if/when things don't go how I had hoped. Pregnancy to me, should be a time of joy, not worry and constant fear. I read 1 in 8 women have a miscarriage. If you've had one then you have a 25% chance of having another one. That means I have a 75% chance of having a healthy, beautiful child if we are blessed with a future pregnancy. Praise God!

 

Yesterday morning at breakfast, Caden said, "I'm going to be a BIG brother!" with a huge smile on his face.  Last week I would have given him a big smile and replied something like, "that's right!  You are going to be a big brother."  Yesterday, I was at a loss for words.  Then he said it again with a big smile on his face.  I finally went over to him and gave him a hug and said, "Caden, I hope one day you will be a big brother.  I love you."

 

I want to say thank you to everyone who has sent emails, messages, and called me. I appreciate the encouragement and comfort. You have given me hope that having a healthy baby is possible after a miscarriage and the strength to continue on. And no, I don't think I will go back to this doctor

A Difficult Time

Yesterday, I found out we lost the baby. We're heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken. =(  I never in a million years would have thought this would happen, that I would have a miscarriage. Being in Germany so far from family has made this even more difficult. 

Last Saturday when I started bleeding I was actually in a little bit of denial that something was truly wrong.  I went on to my friend's baby shower, then went by the grocery store and came home.  That night we went to another friend's birthday party.  However, the bleeding continued and Sunday morning I woke up very worried.  I was worried Saturday but after reading A LOT about bleeding during pregnancy I read that is can be pretty common.  I was spotting and had some cramping - which I never had with Caden - but thought I would be okay.

We found out we were pregnant July 31, 2011.  Collin and I were so excited about having another child.  It was so hard to keep the exciting news a secret.  Since we're coming home at the end of August, we decided we would wait and surprise everyone in person.  I bought two shirts for Caden that say, "I'm a big brother" and pajamas that say the same.  We were planning on cooking out with my family and we would let Caden tell everyone.  He has been practicing saying, "I'm going to be a BIG brother!" and is so cute when he says it.  Sunday morning after going to the hospital we decided we needed prayers more than we needed to surprise anyone.  I was truly hopeful that I would be one of the lucky ones whose baby would make it.

Monday morning when we went to the doctor we found out the baby had gone from 5mm to 3mm.  Collin described it to me as the baby went from looking round like a grape to looking more like a raisin.  How depressing!  My doctor wanted me to come in Friday and have a D&C done if things didn't look better.  I had no idea what a D&C was and after reading about it I decided I didn't want that done, especially since the sac was still there.  We could see it in the ultrasound.  This same doctor told one of my friends the same thing, he told her he thought she was having a miscarriage and to come back in a week and have a D&C done.  Well, a week went by and she came in and there was a heartbeat.  She just had her baby a few weeks ago and he is healthy and precious.  So I continued hoping that this would be the case for us as well.

Yesterday I went for a second opinion.  I went to my old doctor I saw when I was pregnant with Caden.  One thing I didn't like about my new doctor is he never drew blood to check my hGC levels and he didn't think he needed to give me the RhoGAM shot even though I have rh-negative blood.  Even the midwife at the hospital Sunday wanted to give it to me.  When she called my new doctor he said he'd give it to me in his office.  When I saw my old doctor, Dr. Simsch, she said the positives far outweigh the negatives and gave me the shot herself.  I haven't really seen many nurses in Germany like I do in the U.S. The doctors tend to do a lot of the work - shots, ultrasounds, etc.  Anyway, I got in with her yesterday evening.  I feel so blessed to have such great neighbors, they watched Caden so I could meet Collin at the doctor's office as he came straight from work.  They even cooked dinner for us (we eat with them about once a week anyway).  Dr. Simsch did a vaginal ultrasound and the baby's sac was gone.  I am in tears as I write, just so sad and sick that it didn't work out.  What I don't understand is why?  Why did I even get pregnant only to miscarry?  Why is it we go so many years not trying to get pregnant and then when we're fully ready and want a child it doesn't work out?  What irony!  I know I'm not the only woman in the world to question this.  I know God has a plan and it's got to be bigger than mine.  I just don't understand it. 

I told Caden this morning that we lost the baby.  He said, "we lost the baby" and seemed sad.  I don't know how much he understands but with life and death I like complete honesty.  Caden has been such a comfort to me and I think I'm appreciating him even more.  At least I have one handsome, smart, and sweet child.  To God I am very grateful.  After my mother died when I was 11, I lived with some level denial for years.  A part of me kept hoping that it didn't really happen and one day she would walk through the front door and come home.  I don't want to live like that anymore.  So as hard as it is for me to share this, I think it's important for me.  Everyone grieves differently.  Collin was worried last night sharing his thoughts with me because we view things differently and I told him I appreciated him sharing his feelings with me.  Frankly, I need love poured on me during this time.  Normally I tend to be more independent and don't reach out for help.  I am all too good at pretending things are okay.  I don't know if it's just living in Germany and being away from my normal environment, but I have now learned how to ask for help and am able to face life for what it is.

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone.  A sweet, dear friend of mine, Marcella, shared a prayer her sister said to her when she lost her baby.  She said she was praying that God was welcoming our baby into heaven with open arms.  I am saddened at how many people have had this happen to them.  I am also thankful for friends and family.  I have appreciated the calls, messages, and emails.  I am trying to lean on God through this and am taking it day by day.

The one song that keeps coming to mind is called "Blessed Be Your Name."  We sing this song at church sometimes.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0il6d-DAk  It talks about going through good times and bad but we will choose to always say "blessed be Your name."  God never promised us that life would be easy.  No, He tells us in His word to expect trials and hardships. I want to say thank you for praying for us, thank you for sharing your stories with us.  Sometimes knowing we're not alone in this is one of the biggest comforts of all.  We love you and appreciate you.

Here are a few verses that have brought some comfort to me.  May we find comfort in God our Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

1 Peter 5:10 ESV 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

James 1:12 ESV 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

Romans 12:12 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

John 16:33 ESV

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Romans 5:3-5 ESV

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Urgent Prayer Request!

We want to ask all our friends out there to please pray for us.  I (Marisa) am 6 weeks pregnant.  My first doctor's appointment was last Friday.  Everything looked great.  Then Saturday I started bleeding.  It continued Sunday, so we went to the hospital Sunday morning and the midwife did an ultrasound, things weren't looking too good.  She said to stay off my feet and rest.  She called my doctor and talked to him.  This morning I went to see him.  Things are still not looking good.  Most likely I am going through a miscarriage.  I ask that you please pray that I'm not.  Several people have told me they bled throughout their pregnancy and things turned out okay.  We are going back to the doctor Friday morning.  The sac is still there.  If we don't hear the heartbeat then we have probably lost him/her.  This is a very sad time for us.  We were waiting to share the good news when we come in town in a few weeks and were so excited to finally announce a pregnancy to our family in person.  However, due to the unexpected, we are asking for prayers at this time.  Please pray that God will help our little one make it.  If it is not His will, ask for peace and healing for our family.  I am at a loss for words.  I know several people have called me today but I have not been able to pick up the phone.  I will respond eventually.  I am just very sad and worried right now.

Playdate at Luisenpark and Wallace Baby

It was around 58 degrees, cold enough to wear a jacket.

One thing I really like about living in Germany is all the wonderful parks.  The weather is crummy about half the year, but thinking back to living in Texas, it's kind of crummy there as well, just really hot.  During the summer we have "official" MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) play dates every other week.  If you are a stay-at-home mom and don't have a group of mommy friends, try and find a MOPS group.  I have made some precious and wonderful friends because of being in MOPS.

I volunteered to coordinate one this summer and I chose to go to Luisenpark in Mannheim.  I LOVE this park.  There are tons of playgrounds, animals, birds, etc.  We also have season passes so my ticket is already paid for.  Children 6 and under are free.  Caden had a wonderful time with his friends and I had a wonderful time with mine.  We spent 4 hours there and could have spent longer.  We still didn't see everything today.  Usually I go for photo shoots and Collin and Caden come along too so Caden can play.  It was nice going just to have fun and getting to watch Caden have a good time. 

Also, we hit a first today.  Caden used the public potty at Luisenpark!  I was so proud of him!  We have been slowly potty training and this was the first time he used the potty in public that I knew for sure he went.  He asked to go at church a few Sundays ago but I couldn't tell if he actually went or not.  When we went to see our friends, the Wallaces, who just had their 3rd baby, he asked to use the potty at the hospital.  I'm not sure if he actually went there either.  Collin took him and couldn't tell.  We're taking it slow with the potty training as I'm really in no huge rush. 

Here are some pictures from our playdate.

Caden with Addison and Nate drumming on a log

Checking out the goats

Caden loves penguins.  He tried opening the locked gate to get in there with them.

They have a lot of penguins at Luisenpark

Some of the kids admiring the rabbits

Our friend, Salina, had her third baby early Sunday morning.  We went to see them on Monday.  Jonathan is a cute little baby.  This was her first child to have in Germany.  She was induced last Wednesday and when Germans induce women, it goes a lot slower than if you're induced in the States.  Overall, she had a great experience and ended up having a successful, drug-free labor, minus the induction drugs.  This was her first non-epidural birth and she did great!  Not what she had planned, but it worked out well.

Our friend, Tricia, came to visit around the same time we did. 
Salina is holding her precious son.

I got to hold him too!  Caden likes babies.

Caden's waving to Jonathan

A Day in the Life of a Stay-at-Home Mama!

I decided to document my day yesterday to share with Collin.  I'm always telling him about what Caden and I do but don't usually take pictures to go along with it.  Collin suggested I blog about it.  So here is what a typical day at our house looks like.

The night before I set out trays of activities.  I just started the doing toddler trays, which I'll explain in a later post.  It basically keeps things organized and allows me to rotate different educational activities for Caden as well as his toys.

I have 4 main activites for Caden to do in the cubes on the right

During breakfast we usually say a memory verse.
Then we start our day out with Calendar Time -
we go over the months of the year, days of the week, weather, etc.
I got this cool magnetic calendar from Oriental Trading Company

The first thing Caden wanted to do was play with the sensory box.
We read Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Then he got to play with the bugs.

Then Caden wanted to paint.  He chose the Dot Paint - love this stuff!

Then he saw some birds or something interesting outside.

Once he put up the dot paint, he wanted to play
the Teddy Mix & Match Game

After about 5 minutes he decided to dump the all the pieces out,
put them back in the box, dump them out again, get the instructions,
then do a yoga stance and look over the instructions.

Then we went to the library and played at the park for about 30 minutes.
Since I didn't take pictures there I'll post a picture from yesterday.
See our new swing set?  Caden decided to wear his rain boots when
we went outside.

After we ran a few errands and met Collin for lunch, we came
home and Caden went to work on his last tray activity for the day.
He had three animal puzzles to complete.  He named the animals,
made the sound of the animal (if it makes one), and we read two
bilingal animal books.  These books are English/Spanish. I need to
find more English/German kids books.

Then we headed upstairs for free-play, let mommy get some work done, and play basketball. While I was upstairs working on something, Caden went downstairs.  I came downstairs to this - Caden eating Gold Fish in the living room.  We don't eat in the living room and yesterday he had climbed up on the kitchen counter and grabed some Ritz crackers and sat happily on the couch eating them.  Today he said, "eating Gold Fish Crackers by the couch."  I asked him where we eat food and he picked up the Gold Fish and ran to the kitchen.

Caden took the Gold Fish, sat on the floor in the kitchen and started spinning around in circles.

After giving Caden a snack, I decided to bring out one more activity.  I had him color sort some pom poms.  He did a great job lining them up by color.  I bought this ice cube tray from IKEA for 1 Euro and was waiting to put it on one of the trays. 

Seeing Caden complete something he's never done before is one of the most rewarding parts of my day.  I will probably add this activity to tomorrow's fun.

I hope you enjoyed a glimpse of my day as a stay-at-home mom.  We're always busy, always learning, and always having fun.  I usually only have about 4 eductional activities to do per day.  Then he gets plenty of free time to play and explore.  We also try and get out of the house at least once per day.  Sometimes it involves errands, other days going to the park, the pool, and visitng friends. The whole idea with the trays is to keep him working on skills I want him to master, allow him to complete an activity and learn to put it away once he's done.   

To read about Friday's activities, click here.

3 Years in Germany!

At the Frankfurt airport, our first day in Germany

Today is our 3rd anniversary living in Germany and we're still alive! Three years ago today we arrived in a country we had never been to.  What were we thinking?!  We had no idea how long we would stay but knew we would stay at least one year.  In honor of our 3rd year anniversary, I am going to share with you 10 things we love about Germany.

1. Laid back lifestyle - we rarely feel the need to "rush" somewhere.  Life is simple, most places we visit are close by, and overall it seems more laid back than when we lived in Texas. Also, Collin's commute to work is short - a mere 8 minutes.

2. The traffic - really, the lack of.  I can probably count on one hand the number of traffic jams we've been in since living here.  The most recent one was when I picked up my friend, Emily, from the airport during rush hour in April.  Other than that, I can't remember the last traffic jam I have been in.  Even that doesn't compare to the traffic on I-35.

3. Fresh air - we live around a lot of farms.  Except when it's fertilizing time, or when someone lights up a cigarette, we enjoy the clean air around us.

4. Germany is very kid-friendly - we have around a dozen parks alone in our small city.  Most public places young children get in free and most Germans seem to love children.  In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with Caden (and actually looked pregnant) that Germans started smiling at me.  Also, if you are German and have a child, you get a lot of wonderful financial perks, including kindergeld (money for each child, every month, up to the age of 25).

5. Beauty - Besides living with Collin and Caden, the Heidelberg area is one of the prettiest places I have ever lived.  I actually have never seen an ugly place in Germany. 

6. Food - there are a lot of great restaurants in our area.  I also like how you can order simple foods like salads, burgers, and fries and have them delivered for free.  I give a tip, but hey, I'm American.

7. Travel opportunities - Germany is located in one of the best places in Europe for traveling in Europe.

8. Language (especially for Collin) - being surrounded by a lot of different languages and experiencing different cultures.

9. Friendships and Ministry - we have made some wonderful friends here.  Through church, MOPS (mother's of preschoolers), PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel), and Collin's job.  We also are blessed with great neighbors.  We are able to minster to people in different ways than we were in the States.  Collin preaches about once a month at church, he also leads singing; I'm teaching a mom's Bible study this coming fall at PWOC; I am in charge of MOPPETS (the preschool kids activities with my MOPS group and am a discussion group leader at MOPS; and Collin and I have both taught the kid's class at church.  Since there is less hussle and bussle, we have more time to do these things, which we love.

10. Caden - if nothing else, having our first child in Germany is something we will always remember.

Overall, we are enjoying our experience living abroad.  Although, we do miss many things about the States, such as family and friends there.  But for a little while longer, we are going to continue our lives in Germany.  It's weird to think that living in Germany is all Caden has ever known. 

First time by the old bridge in Heidelberg, 3 years ago

First time by the old bridge in Heidelberg, 3 years ago

The BEST blessing we've received while in Germany



New Slide!

We bought Caden a slide and swing set for his birthday.  It has been too rainy and wet to put together the swing set.  Saturday we went to buy the slide.  We decided to put the slide upstairs in our office/playroom so Caden could use it year round.  Next summer we may move it outside if the weather is better.  It is frustrating to go to the park and the slide is either too hot or wet and the ground is a mud pit.  Thankfully, Caden got some wonderful mud pants from our neighbors and we just bought him some rain boots so we'll be able to go play in the mud/rain without ruining his nicer shoes and clothes. But when I don't feel like taking him out in the rain and mud, this slide is awesome!

Caden LOVES the slide!  It took him a while before he would go down the slides at the park.  Even now he sometimes will go down them and sometimes won't.  He leans more toward the cautious side than the reckless side when it comes to physical activities. So, we are glad that he's having so much fun with the slide at home because this will probably give him more confidence to try some of the more advanced equipment on the playground. 

He woke up this morning at 4am wanting to go upstairs and slide. Uh, that was a no.  Then he woke up around 6am wanting to go upstairs and slide.  6am was too early too, so finally after he ate breakfast he got to play on his slide.  I'm so glad he has a slide and look forward to getting his swing set up.  You can see the tiredness in his eyes.