Heartbroken

Psalm 147:3: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

 

Today I am 30 1/2 years old.  Yes, I'm one of those strange people who likes to "celebrate" my half birthday.  Although today I think I'd rather just mourn and reflect on my life.  Both the joys and the sorrows rather than get hung up on being alive for another 6 months. 

 

As most of you know, I lost the baby and had to have an unexpected procedure.  I went to my sonogram appointment on Thursday morning only to find out that the baby had stopped growing and it looked like either he/she had started to detach from the placenta or there were two babies growing in one sac.  After my sonogram I had an appointment with my doctor who explained this to me.  She said that if there were two babies this would be an extremely high risk and dangerous pregnancy.  It would have been very unlikely that these babies would have made it if that was the case.  She recommended that I go ahead and have a D&C so they can analyze the chromosomes and find out more information to why I keep having miscarriages.  We already know many of the reasons but they can find out what happened to this one.  I had been praying about it and decided since I was about 10 weeks, if the baby did not make it then the D&C would be something I would consider.  The other three miscarriages I've had I did naturally and it was hard.  Since you never know when they are going to start happening it's a scary thought.  You could be at Target or just about anywhere.  With Christmas coming up I decided to just have the D&C and let my body start healing from the loss.  It's strange to be pregnant one day and not the next.

 

When I met with my doctor on Thursday, she asked me when I last ate.  I told her breakfast that morning.  She said, "good, we can do the surgery late this afternoon."  She told me what to expect and sent me across the parking lot to the hospital to check in and wait.  Thankfully my parents had Caden.  I didn't have any cell phone service for making calls so I texted my step-mother and let her know the sad news as well as a few friends who I knew would pray for me before my phone died.

 

One of my good friends, Ashley, who is a CRNA, was working on Thursday.  She asked me if I wanted her to do my anesthesia.  I told her yes and even requested her with several nurses.  Another nurse blessed us and took over another procedure she was doing so she could do mine.  It was just a really hard and crummy day.  Having a good friend there helped me feel safer about it.  I knew Ashley would never let anything happen to me.  And knowing she would be there by my side, making sure I was breathing gave me so much comfort and peace.

 

The surgery went smoothly and I woke up very tired.  When we got home around 8:30pm, I ate part of a baked potato but was in bed asleep by 8:45pm.  The next morning I felt pretty good except my vision was blurry but I was in no pain.  Later in the day my vision started to return but I could feel contractions.  These were pretty painful last night but I managed.  They were not as bad as when I have miscarried naturally.  We have some sweet friends who have and are bringing us food to help during this time so I have not had to think about dinner most of this week.  It's been a true blessing.  God was working it out in the hearts of our friends to give us comfort during this difficult time.

 

I don't even know what to say really except I want to express my true gratefulness to everyone who has prayed for us and this baby.  Collin and I were really hopeful for a miracle and that we would see this child face-to-face and hold him or her in our arms.  We were not expecting to walk away from this with another loss.  We are planning on telling Caden today that we loss the baby and it breaks my heart.  He was looking forward to having a baby brother or sister.  He wanted to carry the sonogram pictures around with him.  He would kiss my belly and talk to the baby.  It just makes me want to cry thinking about it.

 

I wish I knew why God would allow me to get pregnant but only to turn around and lose the babies.  It seems very unfair.  I'm struggling with that right now.  I know he has a plan and it's bigger than mine but it's hard.  If you would have asked me about 9 years ago when I married Collin what I had hoped my life would be like at 30.5, I would have said something along the lines of I hope to have 3-4 kids and basically everything else the same.  God has blessed me with one healthy live child and has four of my babies with Him in Heaven.  This wasn't what I had wanted but God has also provided me with many blessings of family, friends, and community.  So it would be wrong of me to ever think that He doesn't hear my prayers.  I am incredibly blessed to have the perfect husband for me.  God put Collin and I together for a reason.  God blessed us both with Caden who is a true gift from God.  So even in my deepest sorrow, I have to continue to proclaim how great is our God!  My heart breaks for all the families who have lost their children and loved ones in Connecticut yesterday.  My heart hurts for all families who have lost their children both through miscarriage and in life.  There is so much to be fearful of in this world.  But thankfully we have a solid rock to stand on.  Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 

 

We will get through this and our faith WILL NOT be broken.  The enemy will not steal our joy!  Thank you for all the prayers, meals, visits, phone calls, emails, and messages. Part of me just wants to sink into a deep dark hole.  But thanks to you, I am looking toward the sunlight and counting my blessings as we walk this earth another day.  Many people in this world have losses greater than mine.  Let's hug our families, children, spouses, friends, and be thankful that we have one another.